On November 27th, 2017, in Tianjin, on the weekend, Zhang Xiaozhe took time to accompany his son to the children’s area of the library to read books and enjoy the rare parent-child time. (Profile picture) Photo courtesy of vision china
"Being a parent is a learning process, and no one is born a good parent." Associate Professor Guo Yanqing of Peking University Sixth Hospital said, "Because of the arrival of children, a person has the identity of a parent, and in the process of taking care of and disciplining children, he slowly learns how to be a parent. Being a parent is a career that is never too old to learn. "
How to be a good parent? Guo Yanqing told the reporter of China Youth Daily and China Youth Network that good parents should be "reasonable" and "reasonable". "Empathy" simply means "Don’t do to others what you don’t want others to do to you". In Guo Yanqing’s view, the most prominent manifestation of "unwillingness" in parent-child relationship is parents’ excessive control over their children and excessive involvement in their lives. This kind of excessive control and excessive involvement is the performance of "unreasonable".
Excessive control will form an aversion to children.
Guo Yanqing said that to "empathize" with children, we must first regard children as free and independent individuals who need to be respected. Parents should grow up with their children and realize that children should not be the object of parental control, but a subject of self-development. Excessive control and involvement of parents will disrupt the natural growth of children and hinder their space and willingness to grow up. "In fact, children have their own ability to be independent. Like all living things, they can grow and develop naturally and automatically as long as they are in an environment suitable for growth."
However, it is a common fact that because children are the people that parents care most about, many parents will manage their children by encouraging them to learn well, but the result is likely to be that parents’ control has turned into aversion to children. In the face of aversion to stimuli, children naturally appear various escape behaviors such as deception and violent resistance.
Therefore, Guo Yanqing pointed out that to be an "understanding" parent, we should first regard the child as an independent and independent individual, let nature take its course, respect nature, and regard ourselves as a condition for the child’s growth from the perspective of children, rather than the child’s savior. "Although parents have brought their children into this world, they do not have the right to control and influence their children, let alone regard them as their own tools." Guo Yanqing said.
"Whether it is management", create conditions for children to "self-manage"
How can parents be "understanding"? Guo Yanqing put forward the eight-character principle of "whether it is management or active satisfaction". Taking children’s homework as an example, Guo Yanqing explained that managing children’s homework is a headache for many parents. Many parents will repeatedly remind their children to do their homework, and keep a close eye on the process of doing their homework. Even children have to interfere in going to the toilet and picking their noses, which leads children to think that doing homework is not their own business, but the parents’ business. But in fact, if parents "don’t care", don’t remind their children to do their homework, and don’t care whether their children have finished their homework, when it is time to hand in their homework, children will naturally realize that doing their homework is their own business. Therefore, parents’ "no matter" is to provide conditions for children’s "self-management".
The principle of "whether in charge or not" also applies to family members. In a family, if the mother is always in charge of the children, then the father will not intervene, because in fact, the father has no chance to manage the children. "We often see mothers blaming fathers for neglecting their children, but in fact, if mothers let go for a period of time (within a week), they will find that fathers’ behavior in managing their children has increased." Guo Yanqing pointed out that parents who care too much about their children are actually obliterating the conditions for children’s self-discipline, which are actually necessary conditions for children’s own independence and independent development.
At the same time, he stressed that "whether it is in charge" is not to ignore the children, but to realize that parents have no right to autocratic management of their children. Sometimes it is necessary to "turn a blind eye" to children. When the parents close their eyes, the children will be independent.
"Actively meet" children’s requirements and follow several standards.
When children want something from their parents, how should parents respond? Guo Yanqing believes that parents should be "actively satisfied". There are several criteria for "active satisfaction": psychological criteria, timing criteria and operational criteria.
The first is the psychological standard of satisfaction. The object of active satisfaction is children, so satisfaction should be based on children’s psychology, and parents should satisfy what children really need and want. However, in the daily management of children, parents often take their own needs as the standard to meet their children, not their real needs. For example, Guo Yanqing said, for example, if a child wants a red toy and there is only green in front of him, it takes a lot of walking to buy a red toy. At this time, parents may think that the green toy is the same, so they buy a green toy. But in fact, the child’s wishes have not been met.
The second is the timing standard of satisfaction. When should parents satisfy their children? Guo Yanqing believes that grasping the opportunity of satisfaction is a key link in establishing parent-child relationship. For example, when a child sees something, his eyes shine, or he can’t put it down, or he expresses his demand for something in words. This is the time to meet.
The third is to meet the operating standards. Specifically, how to implement the behavior of satisfaction? Guo Yanqing put forward the principle of "initiative, generosity and unconditional". Since parents want to satisfy their children at the right time and let them get what they want, they should take the initiative and be generous, and don’t talk about conditions, and don’t talk about conditions such as "You can finish your homework" and "You can take the fifth exam now and the third exam next semester".
However, in the process of daily management of children, there may be another situation that does not meet the above three standards, that is, when parents refuse their children’s requirements, children have problem behaviors, such as rolling on the ground and crying, and parents have to meet their own requirements, but parents can’t meet their children at this time. Because this involves the basic principle of behavior management, that is, it cannot strengthen problem behavior. "If parents satisfy their children when they have problem behaviors, their problem behaviors will be strengthened. This is the exclusion criteria that are met. " Guo Yanqing said.
Guo Yanqing concluded that when parents master the standard of active satisfaction, give their children autonomy and give them the opportunity to be independent and independent, parents will also feel at ease in their daily lives. If parents always turn their eyes to their children, turn their children’s affairs into their own affairs, and turn their children’s time into their own time, neither parents nor children will be happy.
Parents’ demands on their children should be reasonable and feasible.
Guo Yanqing believes that to be a good parent, one must also be "reasonable", which means "reasonable requirements".
Parents should help their children grow up, but not replace them. In the process of children’s growth, there should be proper management and control. What is proper management and control? What are the reasonable requirements of parents for their children? Guo Yanqing believes that parents should meet four conditions at the same time when making demands on their children.
First, what parents ask their children to do must be something that children are capable of doing. Guo Yanqing pointed out that parents should have an understanding of their children’s basic abilities and know what their children are capable of doing, and they should not ignore their basic abilities when managing their children. For example, parents think it is natural to ask their children to finish homework, but because each child’s ability is different, and the teacher arranges homework according to general standards, when the difficulty of homework exceeds the child’s ability, the child will only "be lazy" and "dawdle" in front of homework, or simply give up.
Guo Yanqing especially reminded parents not to easily think that their instructions or demands for their children are all capable of being done by children. Sometimes, only parents think that children can do it, but in fact, children may not have this ability. The premise of parents’ requirements for their children is that they know the roots of their children’s abilities. The more parents know about their children, the more effective the instructions will be. This condition seems simple, but it actually means that parents should know enough about their children.
How can parents know their children well? Guo Yanqing said that there is no shortcut to understanding children, that is, to be "groping" with children, to take time to observe children, and to conduct various temptations during the observation process in order to find out the bottom of children. If parents don’t get along with their children enough, they just make demands regardless of their children’s actual ability, then they are not helping their children grow up.
The second condition is "can but not difficult". Although the things assigned by parents to children are capable of being done by children, it does not mean that children can successfully complete them. There are many conditions that affect children’s starting tasks, one of which is the difficulty of things. In the face of difficulties, everyone will have escape psychology, which is a natural mentality and a common weakness of human nature. Therefore, when parents assign tasks to their children, they must pay attention to the fact that it is not too difficult, that is, "it is possible but not difficult."
For example, solving a math problem takes 3 minutes for the first child, half an hour for the second child and 3 hours for the third child. If solving this problem is assigned to these three children as a task, which child is most likely to have evasive behavior? The answer is obvious. Therefore, when parents make demands on their children, they should pay attention to let them do things that are capable and not too difficult at the same time. This also requires parents to get along with their children for a long time and observe them, so as to have a good understanding of their abilities.
The third condition is that parents should grasp the time, and the tasks assigned to their children do not take too long for them to complete. "For example, if a child can solve a math problem in 3 minutes, if the parents give him 100 questions, it is easy to stimulate the child to escape." Guo Yanqing explained. So for children, how long is short and how long is long? Guo Yanqing believes that this is an individualized problem. Maybe three minutes is too long for one child and 30 minutes is too short for another. Parents need to spend time getting to know their children before they can individually measure a child’s tolerance time for a certain task.
The fourth condition is that if the task assigned to the child is something that the child can do, and it is not difficult to do, and the time is relatively short for him, but the child is still unwilling to do it, then parents can assist the child to complete it. For example, parents ask their children to throw the banana peels they left on the ground into the trash can. This instruction is that children have the ability to do it, which is not difficult and takes a short time, but children just don’t do it. At this time, parents should help him hand in hand and pick up the banana peels and throw them into the trash can with him.
If the parents’ requirements for their children meet the above four conditions, then this requirement is reasonable and feasible.
Guo Yanqing concluded that parents should try not to give orders to their children in their daily lives. "No matter whether they are in charge," they should give their children autonomy, let them explore the world freely, and give them access to various conditions and opportunities in the world. These conditions and opportunities can stimulate their growth. At the same time, parents are one of the conditions for children’s growth. Therefore, when necessary, parents should manage their children, but the management should be "reasonable" and based on full understanding of children.
"Being reasonable" requires constant efforts and study.
Guo Yanqing believes that to be a "reasonable" good parent, efforts can be made in three directions.
First, we should manage ourselves and set an example. When they see some problems with their children, parents should first ask themselves if they have these problems. Parents should solve their own problems first, so that their children can set a good example.
Second, we should cultivate our mind and raise our tolerance. Everyone should realize that others are different from themselves, and everyone has his own preferences, cognition and emotional attitude. If everyone thinks he is right, it is easy to conflict with others. Guo Yanqing pointed out that the process of conflict is not good, but the result of conflict is sometimes good, which makes everyone realize their own shortcomings and the differences of others. Conflict can improve everyone’s tolerance. "Tolerance is not thought out, but needs to be experienced in life. It is true tolerance to experience all kinds of conflicts and cultivate your tolerance in this process. "
Third, we should be good at learning scientific methods to deal with problems. Guo Yanqing said that there are many skills in managing children, which are actually included in the field of applied behavior analysis. "Applied behavioral analysis has summed up many effective measures and ways to change people’s behavior. Parents may wish to learn. "
Zhongqingbao Zhongqingwang reporter Xia Wei Source: China Youth Daily